It’s the day before my birthday. The world has been all sorts of crazy of late and yet my life has simplified ten fold and I am in what feels like the smoothest rhythm of life I have ever experienced.
I don’t think it’s rained properly since the fires started in December and the wind hasn’t let up much since the start of summer. The weather seems to reflect the world and it’s wild, extreme, intense, aggressive and relentless. Yet somehow my foundations seem strong, my mood consistent and my commitment to happiness is strengthening by the minute.
I come from years of NGO work across Africa; traveling to share my jewelry making skills with women across the globe; partnering with conservation organisations to make jewelry that not only raise awareness for good causes but raise money to fund worthwhile projects. I have committed my life to making a difference through art and creativity. Looking back at the the past four years though, life has changed in a big way.
I didn’t get another pet after my one and only passed away, I didn’t find someone to partner up and live an adventurous life with, I don’t have kids, don’t own the place I live in because I’m still renting, there are no real milestones to name. So how has life changed so much in the past few years then? Well, if you run into the same walls enough and they frustrate you so much that you want to figure out how to break them down, get around, over, under or through them life starts to really meet you where you are at. Until then you’re just part of the circus that you didn’t necessarily buy a ticket to.
Since moving to Cape Town I have felt like a rookie at the rodeo. Its steep mountains, freezing water, extreme wind, hot summers and cold, wet and wild winters. How does anyone’s nervous system regulate in such a harsh environment. Capetonians are tough as nails and the verdict is still out on what I am. I have a love hate relationship with this place and have fallen in and out of friendships like the ocean tides. But I think these extremes or opposites have taught me to not rely on outside factors to regulate my own nervous system. The answers are all within.
Instead of adventurous odysseys to foreign places I travelled locally alone. Instead of seeking out more social circles, clubs and organisations to be a part of I started doing things I love in places that I felt safe in. Instead of dating I started therapy and surrendered into committing to getting to know myself and what it takes to nurture and nourish my own existence which ultimately lead to taking full responsibility for being here. Being utterly honest about where you find yourself is the crux of waking up. And I mean, being really honest about tough stuff too.
Admitting that never having kids will make you sad later and that’s ok because crying is ok and after crying you will feel better; admitting that you’re a little disappointed about how much you wanted life to look different at forty and it doesn’t; acknowledging that up until now going at life alone has been hard and taking responsibility isn’t easy, that putting in the work consumes your life and often the only ones that are witness to your garden in bloom is you.
Real, raw, unchartered, honest living often looks like admitting how unhappy you are and merely taking a moment to say it out loud. Inviting the discomfort into the kitchen for a cup of tea and making friends with what a shit life looks like. Freedom is holding out a hand for the underbelly of self and welcoming it home. We are beautiful and ugly, light and dark, great and horrible all in one. Harness it and the world will be a softer place for all.
Allow the freezing water to take your breath away; step into the wind and let it rearrange your bones; be tired of walking up the steep mountain path so that you may enjoy the view it brings; when it rains, stand still and get soaked. Face the hard stuff, the survival of connection depends on it, peace and happiness will come like butterflies to flowers in the spring.
So this is living, happy to be here.
Stefni