“Make today the day you stop trying to be like your idols and start being yourself” – guidelines from the stars
A new leaf.
For the first time in a very long while I managed to string a list of activities together I would like to apply to my day. In the hope of getting to a place where interest and passion find each other again.
In your forties, are you meant to know who you are. Is who you are enough? What even is enough? And what on earth does it mean to be yourself? We learn so much along the way and what we are exposed to imprints on us in ways that shape us beyond our control. So what is it that we are actually?
Do you see now how incredible it is to have gotten to a place where I could string a list of things together for a day in the life of Stefni. It’s pure poetic spiraling most days.
Anyway, one of the things is returning to bringing out a story on Mondays. So, it might not be long, but let’s just celebrate that I stuck to the list for today. Tomorrow…who knows what tomorrow brings.
I recently ended up with friends down the road for dinner. I haven’t socialized in a while and it was a bold move to say yes. When you no longer know who you are or what you are doing here showing up in public spaces pretending to have something interesting to say or even be interesting is a tall order. This intrusive, abrasive and uncomfortable insecurity has taken the place of cocky sureness of late and it’s a wild change to the program.
I sat listening as best I could. Found everyone around me well versed in many topics and vocabularies to match. I felt uninteresting, out of date and irrelevant. I’m being schooled in many ways by life currently. To really learn, observe, take note, feel, lean into discomfort. All of this is so new to me. I have always been so in control and at the forefront of cultivating absolute equilibrium but I got bored of hanging out there. Sigh.
Now I am on a quest to find new things. Change. Understand. Allow. Let go or hold on. Let things play out. Be or do. Be quiet. Be loud. Face fears. Let things hurt. Let things heal. I have wanted change and growth I just didn’t realize it would ask my rose-colored glasses as a deposit, life knowing full well it’s a non-refundable one.
Maybe that’s what they call Monday blues.
Real life, is hard.