Desperately clutching at non-existing anchors. I feel horribly vulnerable today. Exposed. For all weather systems to move through me, come at me, without the appropriate gear. I can’t seem to shake the feeling.
There’s an uneasy texture on my skin and a constriction in my chest and throat. Is this what feeling feelings feel like?
My identity has been built upon adventuring into the unknown, moving through landscapes on foot and my career as jeweller, creative, artist. Dare I throw writer into the mix. Although, the adventures and career based identity has slowly but surely lost its meaning, its fire, its drive and instead has been replaced with an emotional upwelling of epic proportions.
What is an upwelling you might ask…
In the ocean it is a stirring up of deep dormant lying cold water to the surface, beneficial in ways that it carries nutrients that fertilize surface waters and encourages growth. So then I guess, an emotional upwelling can be beneficial too, but it doesn’t come without its discomforts no matter how nutrient rich the waters are.
Could I have braced for this discomfort? I thought I was by curating an identity I resonate with and a life I like. But when you wake up one day not having a clue of who you are, the direction you want to move in, what matters, what love is or what connection looks like and no longer finding purpose in all the things you based your purpose on, it’s quite a jolt to the system.
Mayday. A life-threatening situation is about to commence. The international signal of distress has been sent out, I need help.
Of course none of this happened over night. There is always a lead up but at the best of times we ignore the signs. Generally I don’t but the steep learning curves of late has left me feeling fatigued and completely out of sorts. I get tired of shouldering a positive let’s do this attitude too. I rely heavily on my physical wellness to navigate emotional unwellness so when my body decided to stop working I knew things were about to get serious. Life was getting ready to kick my avoidant ass.
Staphylococcus aureus, a bacteria generally found in the nose and skin for all great and positive purposes except when it’s angry. If left raging it morphs into a life-threatening flesh eating bacteria. You know, probably skipped one anger management session and then went out guns-a-blazing causing havoc wherever it wants to. Shame, over worked and under valued. And the fact that it ended up on my face, twice, didn’t do its reputation any good either.
Staph and I are good now, I think. But it’s been a taxing time. Two rounds of anti-biotics and a good amount of solitude. Layers of skin coming off as open wounds grew. In between all of this my lower back gave in and I ended up with a compressed disc, bed-ridden and immobile. Talk about a reset. On all fronts.
Everything in life is a collective. Connected. The body acts out. Emotional imbalances contribute. Mental stress a factor. Nothing is separate.
Our skin is a barrier of protection around the fragility of bones, blood and organs. When we don’t take care of ourselves our barriers of protection thin and we are vulnerable to things that could harm us. Our boundaries serve the same purpose. If we can’t say no to things that no longer serve us, our bodies will do it for us. Immobilization scares me. For someone who relies heavily on movement for mental stability and emotional clarity to be still and sit with the upwelling of a historical software malfunction is a very tall order. It feels like you’re dying a slow and painful death, like drowning without anyone noticing, an acceptance of things so overwhelming that if you could just unzip your body and get out of it you’ll be fine.
But just so that you know, you can’t unzip and get out, it doesn’t really work that way. I also wasn’t brave enough to press eject and leave the planet although the overwhelm sits you right down on the cusp of life and death with some of the most sobering reality checks in tow. Demanding answers to questions you don’t even know the questions to.
Where do you go when nothing makes sense anymore?
I’m going to be real with you for a second. I was hoping to be in a wholesome, balanced, loving and equal partnership with communication at the top of the priority list by now. But this is not the plan. Clearly. And although I’ve never had a five year plan and life has mostly been exciting in ways that has kept me on the edge of my seat, sharing life in a way that exceeds previous habits, patterns and conventional ways has always been a dream. One that feels forced onto the back burner or just let go of all together.
I’ve been flirting with the unknown for decades and doing it well, but it was the unknown on the outside and now finally all things have led me to the unknown on the inside. Am I the only one that needs to fight the dragon and defeat it before being worthy of the next level of this tv game called life? Before love can break down the door and arrive in all its glory? I’m so tired of all these lessons and so called leveling up. Oh wait, love lives on the inside, you’ll find it there. Really, where? Fax me the treasure map, thanks.
Where does your worth lie? What do you believe in? What matters to you, Stefni? What is it you are looking for? Who are you without the bicycles, the surfboards, the jewellery tools, roof top tent and camping gear? And honestly, in all raw unfiltered honesty, I. Don’t. Know. The sound of my own voice and mirror image of my face still feels like a stranger to me at times. I know nothing and everything is new. A rebirth. An awakening. Like Sleeping Beauty, only there’s no prince to kiss to make it all better and live happily ever after with. There’s just me, myself and I that I now have to rediscover in order to live happily ever after with.
Who am I? And so, a solitary quest into the unknown within has begun, to find the love and acceptance that lives somewhere on the corner of the top right heart valve and the bottom of the livers cul de sac.
Mayday.