We can mourn the things that happened to us but have you ever mourned the things that didn’t? Some things were just not meant for everyone.
Over the past few months I’ve been going through old hard drives to clear some space, mentally, energetically and in general in life. A lot of things can take up space without it being the actual thing in front of you taking up space.
Through going into the history of my life and smiling about all that has been, more than anything it brought out all that has not. It’s quite a surreal experience making it to forty and coming face to face with your biological clock making decisions for you, time no longer on your side for the dreams of raising kids and gifting them a home. The thought of never birthing a soul through me, is a profound loss to deeply mourn so it doesn’t rule my life later. I never wanted kids but it was for reasons out of my control and then life became a game of catch up and then when you’re ready, the window period is gone forever.
Like animals and plants have life cycles, we do too. The general one is hunting for a mate, finding one to do life, home and kids with, then the next season comes around when they flee the nest and you find a new you and a new lease on life and sort of pat yourself on the back for fulfilling one of life’s great purposes by really committing to being human.
What happens when those cycles pass you by? You’re just not quite aligned. Your story misses the turn-off, your impatience has you restless and you take yourself on adventures and miss bumping into mister right. You’re either out in no mans land or in the middle of a crowded party wondering what life is all about but no matter what you do, you’re always ahead or behind. As you leave the beach, he arrives in the parking next to you but you don’t notice because your focused on the car guard guiding you out and onwards to wherever you need to be next.
In looking back on all these archived memories I noticed that I, like a Bowerbird, have made every place I have lived a home, in hope of attracting a witness to my life, in hope of sharing this experience of being human but it never came and no-ones stayed. I didn’t do it consciously, I think it’s a very natural cycle of life to step into a season of finding a mate and fulfilling a purpose of life. The only way I can clearly depict it is feeling like a fox that never found her primal and instinctual purpose in life, a mate to raise a litter of future generations with and now she’s not sure what her purpose is. Finding things to keep busy with is easy, but sitting with the things that really tug at the heart strings is a hard earned skill.
Acceptance of what is and no longer desiring what I thought would be has been a big corner to round. I am partly to blame for the pain disappointment caused due to the expectations that I placed on my own life. I thought settling down, buying a house and raising kids is something one should do, but life has decided otherwise when it comes to me. I don’t want a house, I don’t want the things that others want, finally I am ok with that. I always thought those were things that I should want, but years of therapy have revealed a wild and inspiring nomadic spirit that really only needs one thing…the freedom to roam. This is where I truly come alive and can see things clearly.
There are some changes on the horizon as things are falling into place. I’m gearing up to roam. Welcoming my restlessness as a strength and no longer forcing myself to settle down. Surrendering into my curiosity of what might lie around the next bend. It’s a powerful thing to embrace who you are, no one can come between the love that lives within.
“I live in my own little world. But it’s ok, they know me here” – Lauren Myracle