There are ways to spend your life and then there are ways to spend your life. Usually it simply comes down to consciously and consistently choosing what is good for yourself.
The world has felt out of control of late, or rather my world has felt out of control of late. We all have our own measure of what control looks and feels like, in my case it’s slowing things down, simplifying what seems complicated in my immediate sphere, stepping back and returning to basics. My all time favorite approach, keep it simple.
Sometimes the merry-go-round that is life seems so alluring. There is laughter, shrieks of excitement and complimentary sunshine. I’m usually the awkward kid standing in the shade of the tree looking at the fun that’s being had over there, contemplating how worth it is to wander over and get on. A lot of contemplating goes on. I listen, observe, allow my body to really tell me what I’m feeling and giving it space to just do its thing. Then a gap appears and there are a few less kids, the wheel has slowed down and my feet feel brave to step closer. I stand and observe a little longer and take the step to participate.
I can feel the sunshine, awkward smiles and eye contact as us kids figure out the ranks of the playground and where I’m allowed to sit on this stationary yet spinning contraption. Does any of it even makes sense. At first it’s exciting and I feel good. I even go as far as patting myself on the back and congratulating myself for braving the unknown. I let my guard down, to really let the experience sink in and take over. Lose myself in the joys of experiencing things. Before you know it a few more kids join in and all chaos breaks loose.
It’s not long and I am overwhelmed. The wheel is spinning so fast the only option seems to be to surrender into being here. Holding on for dear life all the while trying not to regurgitate what I had for breakfast that morning. I want it to stop. Fuck the complimentary sunshine on a still winters morning in the park, I want to go home. By now you should have clocked my analogy of the merry-go-round to life.
I retreated to the shade of the tree after somehow making it out alive. I got my breath back and my breakfast down. I felt safe by the tree and every now and then a bird would come to sing, a bee would buzz along and friendly folk and families would come be quiet and peaceful in the shade. There was a calm flow of energy and a manageable pace to life. I sat down to feel the support of the earth underneath my body, opened my book and read a few pages, ever so often observing the world from that peaceful place and feeling safe and content.
I often fall victim of my own preconceived ideas of what an adult should or shouldn’t do and how we should or shouldn’t live. I force myself into the chaos of life. Knowing very well that I do not function optimally there. Others make it look so thrilling and maybe I desire to belong to the thrill some times.
This past weekend I decided that the tree and its shade and its calm and its peace is what I truly want and if I can start standing strong in this belief what I am looking for and what is looking for me will find me. The chase is over.
I cleared my weekend plans wanting to fit in only with myself. Packed my car with surf gear and cruised the coast to find some waves to surf.
