This year threw some curve balls and I wasn’t always so willing to oblige. But sitting down in front of the computer and making time to reflect on the year that was, I am surprised at how life brings to the foreground what we need and not necessarily what we want. Trusting it should be at the order of the day. Easier said than done.
I ran my first long distance trail out in the Amathole mountains. I ran further than I ever thought I could. Pushed through mental blocks and limitations that I thought were ingrained within and part of my identity. Shedding skin mentally, emotionally and spiritually all in one go.
I had the privilege of sharing my first two day back to back trail running experience with dear friends who also happened to be exceptional trail runners. Spending a weekend running through the Baviaanskloof would go down as one of the best weekends of my life and one that will shape me moving forward for a long time. That weekend changed me. Coming face to face with yourself is quite something to behold.
This year has unapologetically ended friendships, relationships yet graciously replaced them with quality people in my life that I didn’t even know I needed. For the first time in three years I am allowing myself to wander through my own heart, open up and feel again. 2018 has brought me ground breaking and profound snippets of self love and leaps and bounds of self discovery. Traveled, explored, adventured our own continent.
I’ve learned to value myself more through crossing paths with those who do not value themselves. We somehow only find out what we are by crossing paths with what we do not want to be. Saying no. How saying nothing is saying something also. That I don’t owe anyone anything and the utter joy it brings me to no longer tolerate a million and one plus one things. That life is bitter and sweet all at the same time and that’s just the way it is.
I moved to Cape Town on a whim. In hindsight it wasn’t a whim at all, instead a spontaneous combustion of serendipitous events that placed all the right people in my path at the exact right time. I can’t say I’ll be there for long, but it’s definitely where I need to be for now.
I closed up my jewellery studio and shop in Knysna. Two years worth of retail lessons in the bag and a whole lot of devoted clientele. Moved my studio back home and although I am in the process of figuring out where to next sell and display, home studios win! Did some collaborations with some epic other creatives. Expanding ones business does not always equate to bigger empires or more staff. Staying small and intimate is just fine. Own it.
I went from living on my own to an instant family of four. No, not that kind of family. I got gifted a housemate and two dogs. A housemate that runs her own business and surfs, I couldn’t have asked for more really. Actually I didn’t even ask, it just arrived and life is full and it’s beautiful. Being so used to my own time and space I thought I’d struggle sharing space but a house full of love is hardly a burden.
I started seeing a psychologist. Best decision to date. An hour every week I get to indulge the theme song in my head that my life plays out to and actually voice all the things that go on while theme-songing through life. There is always hope. Always.
My brother got engaged. I watched him get married. I was asked to be (Fairy) God Mother to the first grandchild in the family due in February. My brother and his wife got up to so much this year I can literally let a bomb go off and no one would bat an eyelid. So grateful ;)
I got to re-evaluate my life. Experience new things. Get to know myself (which will go on forever and a day) and I am excited. Let people in. Let people leave. Reconnect. Disconnect. And spend time with family and understand all the behavioral things I still want to change in the next few years of my life. Truly seeing the value in mending father daughter relationships and how crucial it is in choosing a partner. This year brought peace and a mountain of acceptance and I am learning to honor and follow that as much as I can, because peace is nothing short of divine.
So do I have any aspirations for 2019, any new years resolutions? No, it’s not like me to have those but I will leave you with something I read this morning that resonated with me:
“Be confident in your steps. Trust your process. Trust yourself. Listen to the voice in your heart. Read that again. Listen to the voice in your heart. Listen to what calls you. Listen to what resounds deep within the bottomless potential of your being. Fan the flames within, you will not get burned. Flow naturally. Flow like water. Do not resist your current, this will cause you sorrow. There is no rush. Everywhere you go, you will get there when you get there. So meet your moments. Accept them with acknowledgement before action. And when fear begins to creep in and close off your light, dispel it with the illumination of inner Trust. You are deserving of infinite Love, all you need to do is remember. Now is the time. Ground down. Accept. Plant your seed and let your love flow. It’s all happening as it should.” - Sean C-P
This year has been tough. It has been wonderful. It’s been really dark but also light. It has been heart wrenching and ridiculously joyous. I’ve surfed more. Worked harder. Learnt a lot. And although this year confused the shit out of me there’s no doubt that this year brought back the magic. And the magic is worth sticking around for.